What's holding me back?

Updated: Apr 18, 2021

A few months ago, we were living in rural France, but due to circumstances beyond our control, our dream was completely blown away and we were in need of a change, for many reasons.

So change we did. All the pros and cons of moving or staying thrown on the table as it were and discussed fully and finally we put thoughts into actions and planned our journey to our next new horizon and adventure. Not easy and bloody hard work.

We were off to Algarve, Portugal. Only 1000 miles!!

In horrendous weather near on all the way too.

But a complete change and contrast of life to what we had been doing daily.

The same can be said from leaving the Fire Service life too!


So almost 6 weeks from arriving, I now have had time to put a crazy idea into practice.

Today I have managed to not only submit a Kindle version but also a paperback version of Fireman's Tired Eyes book number 1 of 3.

This came about by a friend saying he didn't have access to a kindle but would love to read it.

So a challenge is a challenge and why should it hold me back right?

Trust me I am certainly not an 'IT' whiz so this has been incredibly challenging.

Not only from a technical point but also from a personal point.

In doing this series of books, the first mainly being the introduction of Fire Service life and how it's affected me, the 2nd being more in-depth on Signs and Symptoms and Triggers and the 3rd on how I have helped myself and losing the stigma of Therapy for help and how to help yourself.

To put it into 1 big book just seems too much as recovery and process takes time and it's not a quick fix.


Time is needed to allow stuff to be acknowledged and met and then dealt with before moving on. It's not a quick fix process.


Then I have this huge reality check of, " I'm publishing a book!!

Shit, what if it's no good?

What if I'm ripped apart by critics?

What have I done putting myself out there?"

And then after a few anxious minutes and breaths, you realise that yes all that is still very real and right there, but.................................

What if I can help just 1 person see that they are not alone in their struggles?

What if I can help families see what their loved ones are subjected to and now have a better understanding.

What if the stigma of therapy is dropped?

What if I can help Mental Health awareness spread so we can help each other globally?


This is no different to being in the back of the truck and rigged in Breathing Apparatus en route to a 'persons reported' incident. Your thoughts are in overdrive.

You're thinking, "have I checked my cylinder valve?"......

Is your face mask demand valve secure and not on free flow?

Where are your fire gloves?

Then you start adjusting and readjusting your shoulder straps and waist belt.

Why? Maybe to occupy your mind, a distraction!

What if there is someone in the building?

Everyone is pre-planning to a degree and thinking ahead, but the reality is you have training and equipment. Deal with what is in front of you, not what you think is in front of you!

You know your stuff and don't want to let anyone down, especially the person you are rescuing.

Breath and compose yourself.

You are here and can make a difference.

This is your job.

Do it well and to the best of your ability.


So this is my rational thinking weighing out the fear factor against the benefit factor to helping others and getting a reality grasp of it all. I have information that can help someone else. To hold onto that is selfish. For example, if you've just driven down a lane and found it blocked, you turn around and go back and as you do are met by someone wishing to drive down the same blocked route, you'd naturally flag them down and say it's blocked, wouldn't you? It's about being a good human being!

Yes, I am bloody nervous, I am not only putting my story down but giving it to you to read.

I'm letting you into my life through my eyes.


I have a choice. And I choose to continue.

I can wish it to happen or I can make it happen.

My gut instincts are greater in wanting to help others and I have another 2 books to write, plus convert them to kindle versions too!!

My ego and critics 'metre reader', as it were, can get turned off, as can social media from the piss takers and those quick to slate everything, for I know deep down some people will need this.

Even a reassurance that they are not alone.

I am not a depressed person or struggling, I like to think I am upbeat most of the time, but I have been affected. So if I can, then I'm sure others will have been too.


In a world where we need each other more than ever, I felt compelled to write it down.


This isn't about me making money as the publishers take a huge wedge and with what's left, I want to raise enough to make a big donation to the Fire Service Benevolent Fund that helps Fire Fighters and their families.


Don't be swayed by your negative thoughts, search for the positive ones too.

This is 're-framing', this is therapy.

This is positive thinking.

Writing a book............wow this has been helpful to me as I've had time to process whilst writing.

Hopefully it will help you and others too.


Reach out if needed and stay connected.

Face your obstacles, if too difficult, seek alternatives and go around them!!

Book 1 release is on 3rd April 2021 on Amazon.

Enjoy.