The Timescale of Grief

Let's clear this up straight away....

There is NO timescale.

There's NO right or wrong way, or 'You'll get over it as Time goes by '.

Sadly, every one of us will go through it if and when we lose a loved one or family member.

There is no preparation, no rehearsal, or training that can get you ready.

Hearing that my father had passed, even though expected, still hit hard.

For me, that's both parents now gone, as I'm sure so many others have sadly lost theirs, too.

However, why am I writing about it and possibly making people feel sad?

Talking about a taboo subject.

The more we can talk about it, the better prepared others are in listening and being there as support whilst you go through this ordeal, rather than blurting out anything and everything, feeling awkward because they don't know what to say.

How many people asked, 'oh, hi, how's your Dad?' knowing that the last time we spoke, he was ill. Then when I tell them, you can see and feel they feel awkward and don't know what to say, except that they are sorry. Often leading to them spilling out about their family's illness and deaths, possibly to show how they do understand, but because we don't discuss such issues, we are left stumbling over what to say. Which is sad, but it really doesn't help you as an individual dealing with your own grief.

You are:

Dealing with it in your own way.

Dealing with it in your own time.

Coming to terms with it and hopefully finding peace.

This sounds strange may be for me to say:

Having lost both parents now, I feel I can comment.

And I do this to hopefully help others come through it.

I've been hit hard several times. Dropping to my knees or 1 knee, sobbing. Or been watching a film and the smallest thing triggering me to let a tear or 5 go, out of nowhere. Hearing a song on the radio or seeing an advert. Triggers can come out of anything.

Or catching myself after spotting a Bird of Prey and thinking, I'll ring or as it was in the later stages after his stroke, I will just text my Dad and let him know: then WHACK, that reminder that it's just no longer possible. My Dad's passion for ornithology (birds), passing on knowledge and encouraging me to notice nature more, led me to create my own Bird of Prey business, which lasted 15 years. Sharing a Falconry experience day with him with my birds of prey was a pleasure I would give anything to do again. Fortunately I captured photos of him with them.

As I wrote in his Ulogy, explaining what I will miss: it's the smallest of things, the unique and personal memories and connections you have with your loved ones that make it so special. This may not work for you at all, or it may do so over time, but I do already find peace in the strangest of things.

For my mother, it has been a Red Admiral butterfly. I had 1 land on my hand in France on Xmas day whilst I was building my aviaries. I recall ringing my Dad and telling him to find out he and my brother had also seen one, the same day back in the UK. Sightings like this have been common and we have always seen them on the same day. I now take comfort in hearing Bridge over Troubled Waters by Simon and Garfunkel, which she had played at her funeral.

For my father, I see Birds of Prey, often flying over at the exact moment I am driving under them. Now I fully understand that the subconscious mind will seek things out, and you will notice them if you are looking, but I choose to take this as a sign of his energy that makes me feel good, rather than feel sad. And I see both parents dancing to Moonlight Serenade by Glen Miller and his band, played at my Dad's funeral. I imagine them laughing and dancing, happily joined in harmony as they dance away, as they did all those years before.

Energy cannot be destroyed, only changed.

What has helped me the most is probably 'acceptance'

Accepting not being able to intervene and help was hard.

Accepting that Time, waits for no man.

I hope that by openly talking about this subject of death, grief will be slightly easier to deal with. It's shit, don't get me wrong, it's pretty final, and it hits harder than you think and sometimes out of nowhere, but having people around you that understand and can offer an ear without judging or ways of fixing, may make it less painful.

I choose to see how incredibly fortunate I was to have had 2 amazing parents, and that have inspired me to do the things I have, but most of all, to have given me the mindset and guidance to pass on skills and determination to try things and inspire not only my children and family, but others too.

I haven't been out on my bike for ages, as I've just had nothing in the tank to give. Wiped out of energy and just felt numbed and hollow. And this is perfectly normal. No shame, no guilt in not working, I needed time to pull back my energy and reserves, as I was depleted and lacking.

So now, I feel at times somewhat guilty that I'm not down and that I do laugh at jokes or the TV. Again, it's completely normal, and I know both parents wouldn't want me to be down. I don't want to be down. I have so much more to give.

I want them to be Proud of me, as I'm sure they are, being of a different era, they may not have said this as much. Which is precisely why I tell my kids and wife regularly how proud of them I am.

With this positive energy filling a room, anything is possible.

Their encouragement and support for both my brother and me have never been in question.

I find this lifts me, and I aim to do so for my children, too, as well as you all.

Grief doesn't go away; the healing process, from my perspective, merely changes from being incredibly sad to seeing and, importantly, feeling proud.

Accepting that TIME is limited, and we all have so much more to do.

Aim to leave a positive impression on others.

You will know when to let go, and you will heal in time.